Pearls of Wisdom: Public informational #3.1

(photo courteously stolen from The Bui)

A good way to judge how employers treat their workers is by seeing what kinds of toilet papers are stocked within the stalls of their respective water closets.

An empty dispenser acts as a metaphor for the lack of care in the workplace.

One-ply meets the minimum requirements much like the minimum wage the employee earns for every extra minute spent extending his break time on the porcelain thrown.

Two-ply demonstrates the teamwork needed within the workplace to really get the job done.

Quilted two-ply is the icing on the cake if the icing were clouds of wonderfulness and the cake was your bum. (the thought did occur to me however that a better metaphor would be one that removes the caked on icing from the pastry...)

Three-ply is quite literally the ménage à trois of papier toilette in every sense of the word--you have two doing most of the work while one underplays their duties. Not to mention it's a damn waste of paper.

When I was younger, mother would call anything above one-ply a luxury as well as a waste. Similar paper products in this category included napkins and paper towels. She is quite the conservationist in that respect (more so of what remained in her wallet and not of the Environmental variety). Regardless, it was a reflection of the bitter hardships of life.

A problem does arise when having extended visits with friends. Because sometimes you'll have friends who take greater pride in their wipes (sometimes they are scented!) and you'll be too late to realize that the proper amount of one-ply that has been formulated after many years of trial and error does not equal the proper amount of two-ply. One would guess the amount needed is half and while that is closer to the truth, life gets tricky when it is quilted.

It is common to be enthralled with the quality of paper goods on your first visit. But always remember to mindful of your portions. And always always always carry a plunger with you because no matter how much advice the mind can retain, some things are just meant to be learned the hard way...